Throwback Thursday

Hey everyone, sorry this is being posted so late in the day.

Throwback to when I was 14 years old! Fun fact, I haven't really grown much since...other than a bit pudgier....and my face really hasn't changed that much. Fun facts about this picture:

1. This was taken at a Job's Daughters sleep over with my bethel in the lodge we meet at.
2. That lodge is really creepy with all the lights out, so whenever we do a sleep over we always keep the "accent" lights on
3. This was right after I got my hair dyed professionally for the first...and only, time ever.
4. The black/blonde hair girl right behind me is my friend Katie
5. I cannot remember who is sitting in the chair, but the person in front of it is named Allison
6. I remember that night Allison wasn't feeling good because of medication
7. Me and my friend Alyssa always used to sleep next to each other at sleep overs (as you can see by the picture of us sleeping below)
8. The adults for some reason always loved taking funny pictures of us sleeping...
9. We always acted like idiots at sleepovers and dancing like lunatics while blaring 'Nsync and Backstreet Boys
10. I still hang out and keep in touch with a not of the people there that night

And here is the sleeping picture:

I hope you guys enjoyed this throwback thursday! Let me know in the comments.

Have an awesome weekend <3 Kimmie

How I Deal with Difficult Days

A very common question people think about is “What do I do when my day turns to crud?” Everyone has their own way to cheer themselves up, or make light of a bad situation, so here is what I do.

Often when I am feeling down in the dumps and just don’t want to do anything my first instinct is to curl up into a ball on my bed, put a blanket over my head and just shut out the world. Lately I have been trying to break this habit.

When dealing with horrible days, especially during my freshman year, I basically had to remove myself from whatever was bringing my day down. Basically I force myself to do a form of meditation. Taking a couple moments to myself whenever I was feeling overloaded helped me be more calm and collected rather than scattered and stressed.

One of the best ways I have found to bring yourself back together is to take a couple moments and just breathe. Yes, breathe. I like to take deep breaths and try and clear my head and forget about whatever it is that is upsetting me. I love to think about something peaceful like lying in a hammock on the beach, just something totally different from what I am going through. When I do this I imaging that on each breathe I take in I am relaxing more and more and good stuff is coming my way, and when I exhale I imagine the negativity and stress just leaving my body and going away.

When it comes down to freaking out over assignments, tests, essays or whatever the case may be, I am an expert at overstressing. My boyfriend constantly has to remind me to stop freaking out and that I can do it. Reminding yourself that you CAN actually do something is one of the best self-confidence boosters and motivators. If something is getting of track or going wrong, you have the power to fix it.

This whole thing is mind over matter. When I am having a horrible day and feel as though everything is going to swallow me whole, it is important to take a step back and reconvene. 

That is my main way, other little ways include watching movies or reading or just being silly. Those things I detailed in my post about cheering up. 

Good luck with making the most out of difficult days. Hugs from my computer to yours, <3 Kimmie

What Drives Me?

What drives/motivates you every day?

My family has struggled with money for as long as I can remember. So from an early age I learned to do without some things. I feel like this made me a stronger person, but also increased my motivation to not want to live like that anymore.

My goal is to simply live a life that I am happy with and proud to live. I know that is kind of a broad goal, but it is true all the same.

Every day when I wake up and think “ugh I don’t want to get up and do ____,” I remind myself that I am working towards a cause; I am striving for something important. I want to be successful yes, but over all I want to be happy. I refuse to live for the rest of my life struggling to get by and stressing about how everything will turn out. I think about everything I have faced in the past to get to where I am, and I remind myself that today is just another step down that road.

So in the most simplistic terms, I am driven to be happy and find happiness within my life. Life, if nothing else, should be about making yourself happy and finding who you are and where you want to go. You shouldn’t have to wake up every day and hate your life, resent your occupation or despise the pure thought of facing another day. I want to live a life in which I am happy to wake up and face the day (after I grumble a bit about not getting to sleep more…I love my sleep lol). But I want to look around and be happy with what I have accomplished.

My goal every day in life is to keep going, to never give up and to keep shooting towards my dreams. Remembering that if I work hard enough I can reach the stars and I can find peace and happiness in my life (if just happiness.).

What drives you to wake up every morning? For those of you reading please leave your answer in a comment, I would love to hear from you.

Hugs from my computer to yours <3 Kimmie

I wrote this poem years ago about the first guy I ever loved, or at least thought I did. Now I realize I just more relied on him for support and needing to feel cared for. Anyhow, yet another one I found in my dropbox...

I swore I would never say this out loud,

But I can't keep lying to myself.

Because the truth is that I love you.

You have no idea how hard I wish that I could just make these feelings go away,

Imagine they aren’t real.

But wishing away feelings is like trying to wish the moon to stop shining,

Impossible.

I can't pretend anymore,

I can't pretend I don’t wish you were mine,

Pretend that I didn't feel like I was safe when you held me

Pretend that when I talk to you, you don’t make everything seem ok.

I thought that burying my feelings would make things easier;

I thought it would make me a better friend.

Yes, I love you and I am terrified that may never change.

That is something I will have to accept.

I will have to accept that you may never be mine.

And I know that I may never be more than your friend.

Who knows someday you may feel the way I do.

But I refuse to sit around and wait for that day to come;

Waiting for you to say three words that may never be for me.

I can’t waste my life waiting for a dream that may never be.

I can’t hurt myself like that anymore.

And maybe one day I will get over you.

It may be five minutes from now,

It maybe tomorrow,

Or six months from now,

Or maybe even never.

I honestly don’t know.

Throwback Thursday

Truth or Dare? Dare. Post a picture of yourself from Prom (or some other horrifying moment caught on camera)

Ok, so I am not quite sure if my prom pictures were horrifying, but I will still post a couple up here to both respond to this prompt and do a Throwback Thursday, which I haven't in a long time.

This is a picture of me and my two "dates" my friends Max and Andrew.

Fun facts about this photo: Andrew (the one with the curly hair in the middle) didn't go to his prom so we convinced him to go to prom with us because Max has been his best friend for forever. The only reason I was close to his height is because I was wearing 5 inch heels, I'm usually close to Max's height lol.

I have no Idea why but I really like this random photo of my friends Max, Marco, Anthony and Rosa:

 It was at the end of prom when we were all leaving, but still being silly :)

This was our group that went in a limo and we stopped across the street from the beach and decide to run across traffic in order to get our picture taken! Crazy? Yup, that describes us.

Yet another testament to our insanity, even though the picture is super blurry, we were being weird and doing the leg wrap around thing. 

Well, that was my junior year prom. I didn't go to my senior prom because my school barley advertised and so I didn't even know about it till last minute and on top of that most of my friends went to this one and a lot of them graduated so I just made the most out of this one and got the full experience of riding in the limo. (No I didn't go to the after party because apparently it was really lame and I didn't know anyone who was throwing it.)

Hope you enjoyed this little flash back, hard for me to believe it was 2 years ago!!! 

Hugs from my computer to yours <3 Kimmie

If I Could Fall in Love with... 5 Fictional Characters

In a fantasy world, forget about spouses and loves, if you could fall in love with a movie or TV character, name 5 you would choose. Not the actors but the movie characters.

Ok, so I know this prompt says movie characters but, since we are forgoing reality, I'm going to include anime characters as well :) This is probably going to be really difficult to narrow down to five but here I go!

1. Patrick Verona - 10 Things I Hate About You. Let's get something straight, I just flat out love everything that is Heath Ledger! Also, this has been one of my favorite movies since I was young(er). I think Patrick someone ruined my expectations for real-life relationships, come on, why can't a guy woo me with "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You"? Hearing him singing is enough to do me in. Oh Pat, why can't you be real?!?!?!

2. Westley - Princess Bride. I have loved the movie Princess Bride for longer than I can remember, my mom used to play the movie for my sister and I when we were little. I feel like this movie and the relationship between Westley and Buttercup sets the bar for relationships and love really high, it just shows you this beautiful romance that as kids we dream about one day having. Westley is so selfless and is willing to risk his life for his love. *tears up* I'll love you Westley!!!

3. Murphy MacManus - The Boondock Saints. I honestly fell in love with this movie after I watched and I don't know why but I really liked the character of Murphy. So I just thought I would add him on this list because after I watched the movie I went to Fanfiction.net and decided to search for Murphy fanfics.

4. James "Bucky" Barns/Winter Soldier - Captain America. After watching Captain America: The First Avenger, I really liked Bucky's character and I just thought he was an awesome and loyal best friend to Cap. I was so sad when I thought he died. But with is shocking return as the Winter Soldier for some reason, my brain was like "hello Mr. Barns" lol I think he looks good with the long hair, plus Sebastian Stan is gorgeous. Period.

5. Eric Northman - True Blood. Ok so he has got that whole hot vampire thing going on and lets be honest, Alexander Skarsgard is just flat out shmexy! (I mean dear god look at that chest! Somebody grab a block of cheese!!! LOL) He is pretty much the only reason I binge watched the first 3 seasons. (Have yet to continue the next watching the next 4.) But dang, I don't know what it is about me but I have a weak spot for that "mysterious bad boy" archetype and Eric Northman pulls it off amazingly with his cool confidence and the fact that he just exudes power. As far as I'm concerned, Sookie can have Bill, I will gladly take Eric haha!

Peace out!

The Truth About Depression

It has taken me a really long time to write this post. I keep going back and thinking I didn't write it well enough or I was afraid to post it. This has literally been sitting in my drafts for over a year. I wanted to write a post to explain what depression is really like. It isn't something simple, it is a complex mental illness that people just brush off. I have gone back and edited, rewritten, added and taken away from this post more times than I can count. I am now forcing myself to publish it, so here we go...and I'm sorry if this is long

One of the worst parts about depression is painting on a smile and telling everyone you are ok. The pain of depression isn't one that just away or something you can just get over, like people tell you to do.

Depression is like a constant restraint, a glass wall that you can see through but, try as you might, can't break through. Day to day of seeing other people happy a little voice screams "Why can't I just be happy? What is wrong with me? Can't this pain leave me alone?"

Personally I have suffered from depression for about 8 years, which I was only officially diagnosed with  about 6 months ago, and I made a decision to start on a low-dose anti-depressant medication. (I really love this persons post and it explains a lot of how I feel).

There are times where it is just pure hell! I just want to cry and curl up in a ball or just feel plain empty. To be perfectly honest, depression is one of the hardest things to deal with and more people suffer from this that you know.  Even simple tasks can be difficult to get through because sometimes I just have no motivation to even get out of bed in the morning, or just anything. I hate that depression just likes to jump up out of nowhere and slap you in the face like, "Hey you were having a good day, guess what, I'm going to ruin it."

Depression isn't something worth joking about, it isn't something that people can just "get over." It is a serious mental illness that is a constant struggle. I honestly can't stand it when I hear people joking about depression, self harm or suicide. I want to throw up when I see people use "go cut yourself" or "go kill yourself" to bully someone. Do you not comprehend how serious those things are? Do you not comprehend that telling someone that could be the last push to send someone over the edge and ACTUALLY kill themselves? People who can say, or even type, those words disgust me. How can you possibly think it is ok to say that to someone. And I want to punch people who say that those who claim they have depression, are suicidal or have harmed themselves just do it for the attention.

This is the whole reason I used this topic for the basis of my senior project last year, because people don't seem to understand how much depression can impact a person's life. It can make a normally happy go-lucky person into a quiet wallflower who had to force themselves to even leave the house. It can make getting out of bed and facing the world seem as daunting of a task as climbing Mt. Everest.

Seriously, those people who judge and make fun of depression have no idea how much it can destroy your life. I have lost friends because of it. I have lost relationships because of it. I have had people tell me straight to my face that I had too much baggage and they didn't want to deal with me anymore.

So please, think before you criticize and if you know someone who has depression or any mental illness, don't abandon them because they are having a hard time, be there for them when they need you. You don't have to carry their baggage for them, just be there to lend a hand when it seems like they can't hold it up.

For those of you who do have depression:

What is important though is to find people who care about you and are willing to stand by your side and be strong enough to help you through it. There will be times when people will turn out to be only fare-weather friends and will drop out of your life because they are to busy dealing with personal baggage to want someone else. I can't tell you how many times I have been told to "just deal with it." And while this is a harsh truth, and something I truly hope you never encounter, it will help you find out who will really be there for you in the long run.

I did a post a while ago about things to do to cheer yourself up because this is very important when you are feeling down! But find something that makes you happy, something that makes you smile or just brings you peace. While it is important to have a support group, it is up to you to find ways to be happy. You can do it!

Get out of the house, go do something fun. Getting your mind off what makes you sad is always a good thing.

Target the reason of why you are sad and, if you can, separate yourself from that trigger.

Finally, never forget that you are stronger than your depression or your sadness. Never let it or the world break you, because when you do that is when the world wins. At the risk of being cheesy, the line from Galaxy Quest really is powerful: "Never give up, never surrender."

I found this image and I just wanted to include it because I feel that it is really powerful and when I first saw it is hit something deep inside me. It reminded me that you are not an instrument of your depression and it does not control you.

Good luck and never forget that you are loved. For those out there with depression, if ever you feel like you can't talk to anyone in your family or group of friends, send me a message. I will always be here to listen and support for anyone who needs it. <3 Kimmie

Poetry Saturday: Moment

I wrote this poem years ago and found it in my drop box. Hope you enjoy:

It was just a moment, but this one was so real. Well I know it was real but the emotion behind it, I wanted to be. It was there in his arms, he was looking into my eyes as I looked back into his. I was captivated. In those few beautiful, heart pounding seconds it felt like an eternity. Alone in his embrace, I felt warm and welcome. All I could think was, “could this really be happening?” I wanted to believe so badly that this was all real. That I felt something and that for the first time that something was real. To believe that he saw me, the real me. But all too soon that moment, those precious seconds were over, and once they were I felt the harsh truth, that that look in his eyes would never be for me. That I would remain invisible to the one man I wanted to see me. That the love I wanted so badly to have I would never feel, never earn, and never receive from the one man I wanted to love me.

A Message to Incoming Freshman

 Outside is getting a bit warmer and the seasons are changing, people are starting to go to the beaches, summer is right around the corner and graduation seems like it is seconds away.  The decisions on colleges have been made, deposits sent in and now, college isn't just some far away idea, it is real and it is coming up.

I want to say congrats to all of you. You made it, you are going to college!

Enjoy your summer, make the most of it because everything is going to change when you reach college and you are forced to ask, am I ready?

Have faith that you are ready. There are times when it is going to be difficult and you will just want to flat out give up, but the important thing is that you don't. Find a goal, a dream or something and always remember that is what you are striving for. Never give up until you reach your dreams. And if sometimes it just gets to hard remember if no one else, I believe in you and I know you can keep going.

Enjoy your summer and good luck <3 Kimmie

Here are some funny gifs about the application process to make you laugh.

School's Out for Summer! School's Out Forever! (Not Really)

 "School's out for summer! School's out forever!" Haha I wish! When writing this post I couldn't help but start singing Alice Cooper's School's Out. (If you haven't heard it then you should.)

Wow, I can’t believe that this year is already over. This has certainly been a year full of many ups and downs full of new experiences, new friends, and new adventures. Looking back, I am amazed at what happened over this past school year, it has definitely got gone as planned!

The fall semester was really difficult for me, academic wise the transition was pretty easy but it was difficult on a personal level. As excited as I was to leave home I was still really home sick.

However, through all the changes and the ups and downs of living on campus, adjusting to college, changing schools halfway through the year and then learning to balance work and school has been a crazy and challenging roller coaster ride. This year has been way more trying than I ever thought it would be. But in the end I have made it through and I am really happy to have been able to pull through despite all the challenges, I know it has made me a stronger person.

After everything I am more excited than ever for summer break! Even though I will be working it will be a nice reprieve from school, plus I will be going to Grand Bethel again this year and I will be going to Anime Expo for the first time!!!

Side note, for all my college colleagues and incoming freshman, remember to take it easy so you don't overwhelm yourself. It is nice to join clubs and get involved but your education should always come first. And, so you don't have to learn the hard way like me, remember that your health should always come first too. Don't push yourself so hard that you make your sick, it isn't worth it. If you get a B on that assignment instead of an A, that is better if you are healthy to enjoy it.

I hope you all have a wonderful summer and enjoy your time in the sun! To all my fellow college freshman, WE DID IT! Congrats for finishing our first year of college and moving on to being a sophomore.

And for those of you still in school, here is a little motivation:

<3 Kimmie

P.S. Sorry I didn't post much this week, was stressed about finals :/ I hope I did well!And now I am going to go sleep for an entire day! Haha

Poetry Saturday - Butterflies

Source

Butterflies in my stomach as you smile at me with your small crooked smile,
You snake your arms around my waste and pull me close. I can't help but feel safe inside your strong protecting arms.
I'm scared because I don't know what could happen, but I know what I want to happen.
I hold my breath as your face is just a few inches from mine. I look hesitantly at you as your brown eyes look down studying me.
I send a silent prayer that you can't see my butterflies, but that you can see how badly I want you to feel the same.
We sway gently to the music playing, but standing on the dance floor, looking into your transfixing eyes, the world seems to fade and all I can think about is what I can't help feel for you.
Butterflies fill me and I just want to spend the night in your arms, close you, wishing that butterflies fill you too.

WPC: Max

Hey guys, since I already covered all the pets I own, I wanted to show you some of the pets my "somewhat-step mom" has...

This is Max, he is some kind of pitbull and he is fairly young, I think only about a year. For a while he was blind because of the way his eye lids developed the lashes would scratch his eyes if he opened them (don't know all the details). But they got it fixed and he is a happy loving dog and when I was up visiting my dad and Des for Thanksgiving I woke up to Max in my bed. It was pretty fun.

Have a good week <3 Kimmie

Being the Bigger Person

 Don't know why I decided to write this but I just thought I would put it down. Today I decided to be the bigger person and apologize about a falling out that happened in October and even before that....

Basically, this guy and I tried dating (long before Johnny asked me out, making this clear) and it just wasn't working because of the distance and a whole bunch of other factors and both he and I acted like jerks and you know how that old song and dance goes.

But yesterday was his birthday and for some reason unbeknownst to me, I decided to message him on Facebook and tell him happy birthday and apologize for how I acted. I guess I just decided that the past is in the past and at the very least I should apologize for my actions. I don't know what will become of this, I honestly don't know what I expected when I sent the message. I guess all I wanted to achieve was if by chance I see him at a DeMolay event then it won't be this awkward dance to try and avoid him. It could just be a "Hey, how are you." and that be the end of it.

So yeah, that was my random brain dump about my really random message.

Hope you have an awesome day and maybe this inspired you to be a bigger person in some aspect of your life. <3 Kimmie

Who I Was in High School

Idea Bank prompt #117: In high school I was…

Now that I am out of high school I can actually write “when I was in high school” posts. Even just saying it in my everyday life is so strange. I think it is because high school is such a huge part of your life for so long that once it ends it is strange because you have to switch gears and life goes on.

During my four years of high school I was a drama geek, a loner, the over achiever, the teacher’s pet and I like to think, a good friend.

In high school I was never really one of the popular crowd or anything like that. During freshman and sophomore year I had “my crowd” that I loved and would spend mornings and lunches with. Most of us were in the drama club together and I feel like that brought us even closer. We preformed a spoof on Twilight our first year and honestly that was my favorite year of high school. It was hilarious and we were goof balls and so many other things that I treasure happened during that year.
During those years I was also a very big over achiever, doing my best to get good grades in all my classes. I also made friends with several of my teachers. I loved my tenth grade core teachers and so many others through my years. It was really nice being able to just talk and joke with your teachers and break that “professor” mold where a teacher is supposed to be distant.

Also, during my senior year I became somewhat of a loner. I drifted away from many of my friends because of how busy I was with AP Physics and my internships. I felt really alone and like I had been left behind by a lot of my friends. I guess it was both our faults, I didn’t fight to stay a part of the group and they didn’t try to keep me. It really sucks thinking about it. During senior year I didn’t really have a set group of friends. I was really close with two groups during first semester then it just kind of fell apart during second. I realize now it had to do with a lot of factors and in some ways I am trying to reconnect with some of those people and rebuild a stronger friendship with others.

It is true what they say about learning a lot during high school. But know I don’t think that they were talking about Pythagorean Theorem, the key points of Frankenstein or really most of the academics. For me, what I got out of high school was learning to survive in the world. You learn how to survive and overcome various challenges put before you.

High school is just the first step on a long road of learning and growing in life. I held so many different titles during high school but in some way, each and every one of them made me who I am today, and I am truly thankful for that.

What my Boyfriend Does Better than Me

Idea Bank #128: Describe something your spouse or partner does better than you.

This one really isn’t that hard to figure out for me. Johnny is really good on the computer. He programs and all that crazy stuff and is also good at gaming.

These two things he excels at. He does freelance coding as a side job and is pretty good. I have done a little bit of coding for work in the past but I had someone walking me through every step of the process and I forgot most of what I learned :/.

Also, he has been gaming for pretty much his whole life. His steam account has over 100 games vs. mine which only has about 20. When we are gaming together I am in my little corner having newbie difficulties while he is kicking butt. He is still teaching me to get better and we do game together. One of the games we like to play multi player on is 7 Days to Die. (7DD is basically a zombie horde game built like MineCraft.)

I hope you guys like this silly little, random post about me and Johnny. If you like these prompt posts let me know. I love getting comments from my readers.

Hope you all have a great day!

What Was on my Heart...

This post is just something that I had on my heart and I just sat down to write and this is what came out.

Everyone deserves to know that they are a good person. Everyone deserves to have someone who cares about them enough to remind them that they do matter.

But unfortunately we all get busy and sometimes we forget. One of the hardest things to do for some is to remember that you matter, to remember that it is ok to love yourself, and it is ok to think you are beautiful. Everyone deserves to love themselves, because in the end it is up to you. It only matters if you believe that you love yourself.

I personally struggle with this. I often find myself looking in the mirror and disliking and criticizing what I see. For the longest time I have had the worst self confidence in myself, always looking at my stretch marks and saying that I am fat. Always looking at my thighs and how jiggly they are and feeling the burn of resentment. Just in general, hating what I see about myself.

But it shouldn't be that way. Yes, shouldn't and are are two very different thing, but my goal is to force myself, everyday, to find something about myself that I like rather than something I hate.

So whether or not you have someone to tell you, I want you to know that I think you are an amazing person who truly does matter. You are a smart and beautiful person and I hope all your dreams come true.

College Survival Guide - Finals!

Lets talk finals. We all know and dread this week, dooms day, hell week, the last step towards the end of the semester. Summer is right around the corner, along with graduation for some, and we are all ready for the school year to be over, but there is one thing still in our way and that is finals.The question of the day is: how do we get through this week as unscathed as possible?

1. Find a good study place. Find somewhere to study that you can focus whether it is the library, under a tree or wherever, just make sure it is somewhere where you can concentrate and won’t get distracted.
2. Study for a little bit each day. You don’t want to overload youself when it comes to studying because it will just lead to you forgetting more than you would learn. What you would aim to do is just study for increments. For example, study for an hour, take a 20 minute break, study for another hour, and so on and so forth.
3. Get sleep!!! Can’t stress how important this is, I even did a whole post about it. Sleeping helps to solidify what you learn in your mind and you wont be exhausted when you go to take your tests. You will be well rested and prepared.
4. Don’t start the day before. Seriously, don’t cram. I cannot this of a worst thing that someone can do to sabotage themselves. As I mentioned before you should study in intervals and also I would recommend starting a week or two before your finals, studying for about 10-20 minutes each time so by the time you take the test you will be able to take that test in your sleep.

Hope this helps you guys be prepared for your finals and I wish you all good luck! (And good luck to me as well.) Finally, I hope the pictures made you laugh or at least smile. <3 Kimmie