The Truth About Depression

It has taken me a really long time to write this post. I keep going back and thinking I didn't write it well enough or I was afraid to post it. This has literally been sitting in my drafts for over a year. I wanted to write a post to explain what depression is really like. It isn't something simple, it is a complex mental illness that people just brush off. I have gone back and edited, rewritten, added and taken away from this post more times than I can count. I am now forcing myself to publish it, so here we go...and I'm sorry if this is long

One of the worst parts about depression is painting on a smile and telling everyone you are ok. The pain of depression isn't one that just away or something you can just get over, like people tell you to do.

Depression is like a constant restraint, a glass wall that you can see through but, try as you might, can't break through. Day to day of seeing other people happy a little voice screams "Why can't I just be happy? What is wrong with me? Can't this pain leave me alone?"

Personally I have suffered from depression for about 8 years, which I was only officially diagnosed with  about 6 months ago, and I made a decision to start on a low-dose anti-depressant medication. (I really love this persons post and it explains a lot of how I feel).

There are times where it is just pure hell! I just want to cry and curl up in a ball or just feel plain empty. To be perfectly honest, depression is one of the hardest things to deal with and more people suffer from this that you know.  Even simple tasks can be difficult to get through because sometimes I just have no motivation to even get out of bed in the morning, or just anything. I hate that depression just likes to jump up out of nowhere and slap you in the face like, "Hey you were having a good day, guess what, I'm going to ruin it."

Depression isn't something worth joking about, it isn't something that people can just "get over." It is a serious mental illness that is a constant struggle. I honestly can't stand it when I hear people joking about depression, self harm or suicide. I want to throw up when I see people use "go cut yourself" or "go kill yourself" to bully someone. Do you not comprehend how serious those things are? Do you not comprehend that telling someone that could be the last push to send someone over the edge and ACTUALLY kill themselves? People who can say, or even type, those words disgust me. How can you possibly think it is ok to say that to someone. And I want to punch people who say that those who claim they have depression, are suicidal or have harmed themselves just do it for the attention.

This is the whole reason I used this topic for the basis of my senior project last year, because people don't seem to understand how much depression can impact a person's life. It can make a normally happy go-lucky person into a quiet wallflower who had to force themselves to even leave the house. It can make getting out of bed and facing the world seem as daunting of a task as climbing Mt. Everest.

Seriously, those people who judge and make fun of depression have no idea how much it can destroy your life. I have lost friends because of it. I have lost relationships because of it. I have had people tell me straight to my face that I had too much baggage and they didn't want to deal with me anymore.

So please, think before you criticize and if you know someone who has depression or any mental illness, don't abandon them because they are having a hard time, be there for them when they need you. You don't have to carry their baggage for them, just be there to lend a hand when it seems like they can't hold it up.

For those of you who do have depression:

What is important though is to find people who care about you and are willing to stand by your side and be strong enough to help you through it. There will be times when people will turn out to be only fare-weather friends and will drop out of your life because they are to busy dealing with personal baggage to want someone else. I can't tell you how many times I have been told to "just deal with it." And while this is a harsh truth, and something I truly hope you never encounter, it will help you find out who will really be there for you in the long run.

I did a post a while ago about things to do to cheer yourself up because this is very important when you are feeling down! But find something that makes you happy, something that makes you smile or just brings you peace. While it is important to have a support group, it is up to you to find ways to be happy. You can do it!

Get out of the house, go do something fun. Getting your mind off what makes you sad is always a good thing.

Target the reason of why you are sad and, if you can, separate yourself from that trigger.

Finally, never forget that you are stronger than your depression or your sadness. Never let it or the world break you, because when you do that is when the world wins. At the risk of being cheesy, the line from Galaxy Quest really is powerful: "Never give up, never surrender."

I found this image and I just wanted to include it because I feel that it is really powerful and when I first saw it is hit something deep inside me. It reminded me that you are not an instrument of your depression and it does not control you.

Good luck and never forget that you are loved. For those out there with depression, if ever you feel like you can't talk to anyone in your family or group of friends, send me a message. I will always be here to listen and support for anyone who needs it. <3 Kimmie

Day 5

Day 5:

Today I finished writing my interview questions, sent them out to the people who agreed to be interviewed and also asked when would be best to interview them. Believe it or not that is a bit of work, even though I can write it in one sentence ha ha ha. 

I am super excited about my project, I can't wait to see the final product. If I can at least impact one persons life and make them feel a little bit better and inspire them then I feel that this project would be worth it. I promise I will post the video on here as soon as I am done with it. Wish me luck :)

Senior Project Day 4!

Day 4: 

I did get some video recording of people talking for my video and also I have been trying to contact my friends who I talked to about interviewing before, just trying to get a time set up for when I can interview them on camera. I'm hoping I can get everything together soon and start getting my interviews together, just refining my interview questions and trying to get the interview times.

I'm so sorry that this first week is kind of slow and boring because I'm just getting the ball rolling. 

Senior Project Day 3

So today is day 3 of my senior project! Today I was catching up on my blog posts and my goals are to get a story board outline and make more calls in an attempt to contact crisis centers and non-profits. 

Here's how it went:

Well I was able to get a hold of some of the crisis centers on my list however, they were ones that were not able to help me. So on the bright side I was able to narrow down the list of where I need to call and try and get a hold of. Fingers crossed that I will get a hold of them soon! But what I am trying to work on is getting my video story boarding and starting to get some recordings that I don't need the crisis centers for.

Have a wonderful day lovelies! 

Feeling Alone and Useless :(

Well this is kind of a two part post. First: Alone. Recently I've just been feeling really alone and like a lot of people I thought were my really good friends have been drifting away and like I don't belong around them any more. I feel like whenever I am around this group they are just thinking in their heads "what are you doing here? You don't belong here." And it just really sucks and makes me feel empty inside because its like I don't belong anywhere again. I'm just on the outside while they are this close knit group. My head just keeps saying "they don't need or want you any more." 

I just feel like I don't know where I belong any more...

Second half: Useless. Gah I can't even describe how useless I have been feeling lately. A very good friend of mine has a mentally abusive and extremely controlling boyfriend who pushed her to cutting again  AND who recently snapped and hurt her physically. I was so scared for her and so relieved when she said she told him she never wanted to talk to him again. But.........

Then she started being really depressed saying that she missed him and just wanted to make things right. She spent 4 hours sitting in her car outside her house trying to talk to him. And you know what that bastard did?! He hid behind the cars in the driveway watching as her sister, my boyfriend and myself held onto her while she cried her eyes out in the middle of the street.

She is such a wonderful person who has had a horrible past. She has been surrounded by nothing but controlling guys all her life. She admitted she was addicted to this guy but didn't want to go back to being treated that way. Again that same group was doing everything we could to keep her happy and help her through because we knew it was going to be hard. 

Then another example of his "affection" she had a really bad hypo-glycemic attack and got really sick and he said "well tell her if she needs me I'll be asleep." WTF!!!!!! I'm sorry but if you claim to love someone and they are sick I wouldn't care if they were asleep. I would have charged my but over there as fast as humanly possible just to be there and make sure they were ok.

Then, then the worst of all. SHE WENT BACK TO HIM!!! Oh yes. I call over to her house to see if I can go grab my stuff which I forgot after sleeping over at her house. Only to find out that she has been missing. Where is she? At his house. And her brother was begging her to come home and she doesn't come home till midnight.

AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! I felt so absolutely betrayed and I wanted to slap her and murder him! Plus that snide jackass called my boyfriend a compulsive liar just because he was telling her the truth about him. And then he told me and my bf in the snidest most irritating "punch me now" voice: "I told you she would listen to me." That SOB is destroying my best friend and I can't do anything to stop it! I would give anything just to smack some sense into her!

God Give Me Strength!!!!

Senior Project - Day's 1&2

Hey interwebies!!! I will be using my blog to post my daily journal entry for my senior project. So here we go:

(For these two days I was working from home)

Day 1: Today I downloaded a movie making software so that when I have video footage I can just enter it in and make it go. I was also doing research on places that I could go to volunteer at and interview the people who work there. (Kind of a slow day but I wrote down several numbers to contact)

Day 2: Today I had my one on one meeting with my project adviser and we sat down and just talked about  the logistics of my project and how I plan on going about it and about how to get it actually out into the community. I sent several emails and left voicemails today to try and contact crisis centers and such about volunteering. Have yet to hear back :(

Senior Project - "It's Not Taboo"

I am rather excited because I am doing research for my senior project. Essentially what my project is is I am going to be creating a video talking about the biggest challenges people face with getting help about depression, self harm, eating disorders, addiction, etc. (If your remember my post about TWLOHA, that organization is one of the resources I am using in my project)

In the video I would also want to interview people facing these challenges and having them talk about what they have gone through, how they got help and dealt with it in order to inspire others. To let them know that there is help out there and asking for help is something they should not be afraid of. Also, for those who know people going through those challenges it's not a phase and they don't do it for attention. 

So next step is doing research on local teen centers, contacting them and writing up my plans. Will post the video as soon as I complete it!

To Write Love on Her Arms

Last night on the news I made a discovery that really got me to actually take interest. There was a segment about a tour for a non-profit organization called To Write Love on Her Arms. On their website their vision states: "To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."

This really hits home with me because for a long time I struggled with depression (and to be perfectly honest, sometimes still do), cutting and was suicidal. I'm not ashamed to admit that I faced this during my life because I want to encourage people who might possibly be going through something similar to message me if they just need an ear to listen or a friend to lean on. 

TWLOHA is now on a tour called Heavy and Light and the tag line is "An evening of songs, conversation and hope." I am still doing research into the movement but I am truly inspired by their vision and the story behind the movement. 

I encourage everyone who reads this to at least take five minutes to look at their website, read a little bit and see if this amazing movement can inspire you as well. 

Have a wonderful day from my wacky world to yours!