My Vacation Snapshot

Hi everyone!

Prior to the start of the semester, I had a really fun vacation I wanted to share with you.  I got a new boyfriend back in October and he and I went to Disneyland with our friends and he met my mom and grandparents! He did really well with my family and they all loved him.  Here are some fun snapshots from our vacation!

The pin said "I lava you"

I hope you all had an amazing winter break. School is back and session and I wish you all luck and let's kick this semester's butt!

<3 Kimmie

My Year in Review - the Good, the Struggles, and the Chaos

This year has truly been a rollercoaster.  I have moved three times and faced potential risks of being homeless.  I went through the pain of getting over a brutal breakup, but dated two people and now in a relationship with one of them.  I have had my car broken into three, yes three, times and the most recent of which they smashed my passenger window.  I cut out fast food (mostly) and am teaching myself to cook and meal prep.  Still trying to manage money better.  Had a falling out with friends, made new friends, started seeing a chiropractor, went back to therapy, got a new tattoo, and a slew of other events.  One word that definitely doesn't come to mind for this year is boring.

I didn't give this blog as much attention as it deserved and I really hate that with how busy I have been due to work and school, a lot of other things in my life have been neglected.  So tonight I decided to just sit down and write, to reconnect with why I started blogging in the first place.  I wanted to just let the words come and reflect on my year.

This year has tested me in a lot of ways.  There were a lot of tears, sleepless nights, heartache, stress and being terrified of not knowing what would happen next.  However, this year was not without its good moments.  I learned a lot about myself this year.  People came into my life who helped me learn more about myself and who I want to be.  They helped me grow as a person, teaching me new lessons and some I maybe didn't want to hear.  A year ago I certainly never would have pictured myself where I am today - a stronger, but still slightly unstable, but now capable of handling a whole lot more crap than before.

If there is one thing this year has taught me, it is that you can always get through it and that even when you don't realize it or want to ask for help, you have people who are willing to stand by your side, to dust you off and help you back up.  I am so incredibly thankful to all the people in my life who have helped me through this year; to everyone who has reminded me that I am strong enough to get through whatever storm I was facing, to lend a helping hand because they knew I hate to ask.  I know I will come out of 2017 as a stronger person, more willing to ask for help because I know that I have wonderful and caring people standing by my side.

Despite all the insanity of this year, I am happy to see the leaps and bounds I have made and I am excited to see what 2018 has to offer.  I don't really have resolutions but I do have goals for myself, to continue my growth as a person. 

Back to School! Goals for Fall 2017

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Holy crap summer is already over?! School is back in session and being lazy is no longer a thing.  I have a lot of fun content planned for the new school year.  Starting off with just a short post to share my goals for this semester.

1. Consistently update calendar with upcoming assignments and "backwards plan" in an effort to complete my assignments ahead of time.  The goal is to do a little at a time and have it done!
2. Study a little every day! This one is a valiant goal, but studies do show that those who study consistently, do better in class.
3. DO THE READING BEFORE CLASS!  This is an area I have consistently struggled with all throughout college and I want to really focus on this, especially because this semester I have teachers who have assignments due at the beginning of class to prove you did do the reading.  
4. Finally, GPA.  This semester I want to shoot for mostly A's. I am trying to bring up my cumulative GPA in order to get into an honor society.  It's one of my biggest goals, but each of the ones listed before are essential to reaching this!

Let me know what your goals are for this upcoming semester and feel free to comment.  Good luck everyone!

<3 Kimmie

Work, Ferrets, Moving and Summer School

Hey everyone,

I hope you are al having a great summer so far.  Just wanted to catch up, it has been a crazy summer so far. I have been working a lot (but what else is new lol) and doing summer school, had my birthday, some sadness happened, and finally found somewhere permanent to live!

So to get the sad part oit of the way, my ferrwt Kiki, after being sick for a couple months passed away back in June due to an insulinoma. Basically, she was the opposite of a diabetic where her body over produced insulin because of microscopic tumors on her liver and pancreas. She was not doing very well and as hard as we tried, we couldn't get get her system to stabilize. I'm just happy that she isn't hurting any more and I'm happy for the time I had with her. Zero, since she passed away has been doing well thanks to hanging with the cats and has started hoarding plastic bags....its cute, funny and a bit heart wrenching.

On happier notes, my birthday went well with the exception of a creepy dude hitting on me. But I got to go to a club again and went bowling the next day. I'm really glad I got to spend time with friends and family.

Also, this summer I also got to go to Fanime Con/Clockwork Alchemy and finally got to go floating down the American River! Plus, I started a new job working with kids with autism! I'm excited to be working in a psychology field!

My last event before school starts is going down to LA to visit family and friends. This summer is drawing to a close and I hope everyone has had a wonderful summer!

- Kimmie

How to Bounce Back from Being a Hermit

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So one thing I will fully admit to falling prey to, is that since I moved up to Northern California, I have essentially become a hermit. I stay at home and hardly ever go out, well more so I fall into a routine of work and school and one or two people I see, and for a while there I hardly ever talked to any of my friends or family. Suffice to say, it wasn’t the best time.

But that was just me, for some, you may enjoy being alone and that’s ok! Each person has their own schtick, but if you want to get out more and try to be more social, I hope this helps!

I've reached the point where I consider myself and extroverted introvert.  I have definitely become more of an introvert over the years but with the right people and situation my extroverted, social butterfly side comes out.

Deep down I feel like pretty much everyone in some way wants to connect, to find a group they are comfortable with.  Recently I’ve heard my dad and a few others talk a lot about ‘their tribe.’ Frankly, I have been a little confused by that expression.  But essentially, I think it’s one in the same.  Your tribe, your social group, your crew, etc., whatever you want to call it, the existence of one in your life is important.  In one blog post I read by Claire Obeid, she makes a great point, you need to find balance between your hermit and your social butterfly. (You can check out her post here.)

For the purpose of this post here are a few key tips to getting yourself back out there that I had to learn:

• Sometimes you have to be the one to ask. I’m the kind of person who often, I feel like I have to have an invitation to do something fun. But waiting around for someone else to make the first move doesn’t work out. If you feel the need to get out and want to hang out with people, you need to be comfortable making the first step and asking others to hang out. Even if it’s something as simple as “hey let’s go get coffee” or going for food, for me I like to go karaoke or go bowling (despite the fact that I stink at it lol).
• People are there for you, trust me. Sometimes when you’ve shut yourself off for a while, it’s easy to forget that you have friends who like being around you. So when you are trying to step back out, that can be the scariest part, feeling like no one is there.  I can almost guarantee that there are at least a few friends you are overlooking.  Try posting something on Facebook about wanting to get together and see who responds.  Text people you used to hang out with, they are there.
• Find your tribe. Like I talked about earlier, you want to find that group of people you feel comfortable around and you know you can go to.  Within that tribe, you want to make sure you have at least one or two close people you know you can turn to regardless of if you are having an off day, or just who you know would be willing to make time for you. I have a small handful of people like this, my best friend and “hetero-life partner” (a term I learned from my roommate) is two hours away from me and with conflicting schedules we can’t always see each other, but I do know I can call her whenever. In closer proximity, I have another best friend who is always there for me and I’m very glad they came into my life and has pointed out, none too subtly, that I needed to get a life!
• Don’t push yourself! While the other three tips are all about getting out there and getting in contact with people, maybe forcing yourself out of what has become your comfort zone, you want to make sure you don’t overdo it all at once. If you push yourself to do too much too fast, you could stress yourself out and it may even backfire. So with all these, find your own pace. Be sure to check out the other post I linked above because she does have a lot of good tips about finding a balance in your life.

I definitely fell even farther into being a hermit after my relationship ended.  For a while it was just work and school and that was it.  I know I neglected this blog a lot in the past year due to everything that was going on in my life and I want to change that along with finding a balance between my obligations and my hobbies.  With a new job and summer here its time to push myself into new, healthy habits. Wish me luck!

If anyone has any other tips please let me know, thank you!
<3 Kimmie

My Goals for 2017

Everyone has their "New Years Resolutions" and I feel like a lot of the time these drop off within the first several months of the year.  And to be honest, a lot of the time the goals we make for ourselves are very broad or very large goals that we become overwhelmed by and just forget about or get too overwhelmed by the prospect.

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So I just wanted to create a simple (yet a little vague) list of goals that I want to keep in mind throughout the year...and yes I realize in this list I switch between first and second person a lot lol.

• Be Yourself!
• It's ok to be yourself, and people who aren't ok with that don't need to take priority.
• It's ok to be on my own.
• Learn how to survive on my own!
• Stop putting yourself down!
• Build self confidence and self worth.
• Get to know myself
• Blog, read, and write on a regular basis.
• Work out on a regular basis.
• Complete the rock climbing mile high challenge at school.
• Stay up to date on project pan.
• Read 20 books this year.
• Get my GPA above 3.3.
• Work on developing study plans and sticking to them.

I'm going to try and do my best and update you on some of these that have deadlines. Any related posts will be linked in the list. If my reading goals and project pan posts have not been posted already they will be soon!

What are some of your goals for this year? Share them with me in the comments.

I hope 2017 is a wonderful year for all of you.

- Kim

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Combating Post-Breakup Blues

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Most people have gone through some type of breakup in their lives, and the majority will probably tell you that it sucks and is painful. I have been going through this as of late and personally, I'm with the majority.  So here is what I have learned over the past few months that have been helping me get through this hard time.

- Get your support system! I can't stress how important it is to be around people who genuinely care about you and who want to support you.  By having a strong support system you have people who you can turn to when you are having a bad day, who are willing to listen to you talk, even if you are saying the same thing as before.

- Put some distance.  For me, he moved back home to a different state, so I didn’t have to go through the issues of seeing him on a regular basis.  Bt I did have to force myself to talk to him less.  If you do see your ex frequently or have the same friend group, try taking a step back.  I’m not saying stop hanging out with the friend group, just take some time away from events where you would be in the same place.

- Allow yourself to grieve.  One thing you absolutely don’t want to do is bottle up those feelings, because they will explode in the worst way, and probably the worst timing.  If you need to cry, that’s ok, you’re allowed to.  You need to let yourself go through the grieving process, because in a way, it’s like a death.  Something that has been a big part of your life has come to an end and you have to ride that out.

- Friends on social media. As much as it sucks, you will want to remove them from your social media because it will torture you. If you guys do plan to remain friends, at least remove them for a while. I personally stayed facebook friends with him for a while and I was paranoid about posting anything that he could take the wrong way, etc.

- It’s your business.  On the social media note, don’t post all the details on facebook or anywhere really.  Because really all that will do is probably open up a can of worms of people dumping on them and trying to tell you what you should do and personally that just made me feel worse.  I really didn’t want to hear people trash talking him and I certainly didn’t want to draw the limelight on what had transpired.

- Painful memories.  You probably want to delete your photos together and remove anything that is a painful reminder of the split.

- Don’t drink alone or hole yourself up.  We’ve all heard about the infamous way of getting over someone through the bottom of a bottle.  Alcohol is actually a depressant.  If you do want to drink, invite over someone who makes you feel good and safe and who wouldn’t mind if you got emotional. The day he and I broke up I went over to my now roommate’s house and we drank and watched a movie and hung out.  Going back to the first point, don’t try to fight this on your own, don’t shut yourself off from everyone, in fact, I’ve gone out more than I have in ages because I don’t want to fall into the trap of sitting at home wallowing. I want to be surrounded by good people in a good situation.

- Rebuild yourself.  I started rock climbing more and trying to figure out who I am on my own.  We were together for 4 years, so I hadn’t been an adult on my own, I’m learning how to do that now.  Focus on learning to be happy on your own, you don’t need a significant other.

I hope this helps some of you out there and if you are going through a breakup, I wish you all the best and remember, if no one else, I believe in you!

Hugs from my computer to yours -

Kim

P.s. here is an article that helped me and inspired this: Cosmo.

Life Threw Me a Curve Ball

I wanted to apologize first off for the radio silence from me the last six months. My life took a turn for the crazy over the last half of 2016.  My boyfriend lost his job which resulted in me working on average 50+ hours a week between my two jobs and trying to balance 15 units in school. Everything went haywire and to say I was stressed would be an understatement of epic proportions.

Unfortunately, in December, my boyfriend and I split. We were together for nearly 4 years.  It has been a very difficult transition and an even worse build up. Making the decision to end our relationship was incredibly emotional and one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I don't want to go into the details of the situation but I do feel that it was the best decision and course of action, no matter how painful.

I honestly feel like the last half of 2016 every time I thought I had hit rock bottom and it couldn't possibly get any worse, some asshole threw me a shovel.  It has been a whirlwind of changes, challenges, and sometimes seemingly impossible hurtles to get over.  But I'm still trying, taking each day at a time. 

Now that the holidays are over and my work schedule has calmed down, I finally have time to really think and I am trying to still process everything.  School is back in session and with a new year I am really hoping for a new beginning. 

I have some new content lined up for this blog and some posts will be going up soon.  I have a goal to have a post up every Wednesday.  If there is anything you would like to see me talk about please let me know in the comments.

Thank you, I hope all of your holiday season went well.

- Kimmie

Life Update: Graduation and Goals

Hi everyone! I have returned once more lol. I'm sorry for the radio silence, so here is a brief update on what has been going on with me. I graduated from community college about 3 weeks ago, and I just went to orientation for Sacramento State on Monday. Other than that I have just been working like crazy and trying to find something full time related to my major.

I'm excited for this transition and excited that, after 3 years since leaving Concordia, I am back at a university ready to go!

And what the heck, here are my goals for my time at university:

• Join a club - believe it or not I have not joined a club since Concordia.
• Get into both the business and psychology major programs. Bit of explanation, both of these majors are impacted so, come September, I have to complete the supplementary application to be admitted to the major. 
• Here are my long term goals:
• Join an honor society
• Graduate cume laude - which means with honors, having a GPA higher than 3.5. Overall I am trying to aim for magna cume laude which is having a GPA between 3.75-3.889 GPA.

I hope you are doing well and having an awesome summer. Let me know if there are any posts you want to see :)

Big hugs from my computer to yours,

Kimmie

Exciting News and Updates

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Interwebbies! Ok, so since we last spoke here is the lowdown:

1. I am moving to a new place, still in the same city, but it is a very beautiful townhouse that I am super excited about. I will be moving this upcoming Friday the 25th, and I may post a couple pictures once I get everything set up.

2. I GOT ACCEPTED! After 2.5 years of hard work and dedication, I will be returning to the world of universities for another go. (I attended a university for a semester before life happened and since have been attending community.) I will be graduating in May with an associate degree for transfer in business and will be attending Sacramento State in the fall.

3. I did get in a car accident about a month ago, everything is alright, it was pretty minor.

4. Sleep schedule is still a horrific mess...yup probably not gonna change any time soon XD because who doesn't love a closing shift to turn around and work an early morning shipment and then close again that night....it is definitely a roller coaster. 

5. My schedule in general is still cray cray! Haha, if you have been following me at all you know that my life is pretty much always busy. As a college student working two jobs, I don't really have much time for a social life or my poor neglected blog. But I do try, I still love my blog very much.

6. The fur babies are still doing well. And for fun, here are some goofy pictures of them:

They sleep so weird....

During the moving process I will have some posts coming your way that are already scheduled and ready to go. I also have some good content for my College Survival Guide coming up soon! Starting with "I've been accepted, now what?"

If you have anything you would like to see me write about I would love any feed back and suggestions you have to offer :)

Have a wonderful day,

<3 Kimmie

Ramen, Paniq Room, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Getting Sick

I just got back from a mini vacation down in LA. I got to see my mom and sister, friends I hadn't seen in a long time, my high school teachers and co-workers from Northrop, went to my favorite restaurant, and was there for my friend Lelaina's 21st birthday.

It was a lot of fun and I was super excited that we got to go to Paniq Room. Essentially you are locked in a room with a theme and you have to solve clues and find the key to get out of the room within an hour. I thought I wasn't going to be good at it because typically I am not good at puzzles but I had the time of my life. I really encourage everyone to check it out. My best friend and I are wanting to go to the location in San Francisco. They did a segment about it the Hollywood one we went to on the news which you can check out below.

I am incredibly happy I got to see my mom because this was the first time I had gotten to see her since the end of June, and it is actually the longest I've ever gone without seeing her,my sister, or my aunt. We went to go see Star Wars together since my mom and sister hadn't seen it yet.

Also, my sister took me with her and her friend to go see Mystery Science Theater 3,000 doing commentary on the movie Starship Troopers. For those of you who were like me and have no clue what MST is, allow me to explain. Basically three guys watch a movie and will make funny comments throughout it as the movie is playing. I was laughing the whole time and they have a slew of movies that they have done this for.

I am glad though that I am back home with my kitties and my own bed. The annoying part is that I started coughing a lot yesterday and have had a killer sore throat since I woke up. But all in all it was a really fun 5 day vacation and I am so happy I got the week off work to relax.

I hope you all are doing well,
Kimmie

What's on my Mind - Free Write

Its 12:08 in the morning and I was sitting here thinking about what to write. I have a list of things I want to create posts on that pertain to my "blogging niche" college, life, makeup. But for some reason I couldn't think of anything, I was simply staring at a blank page. So I decided just to tell you what was on my mind, to just type and see what comes out.

Life scares me.  I am not at all good with change, and as I am coming up on what should be my last semester in community college, I am forced to face the inevitable changes that will take place in my life once more. I have placed my application for only one college, the one CSU closest to me, a risky move I know. But now that I have moved so far away from home, living in a new city and forced to start all over, I really don't want to relocate again. I'm scared that I won't be able to make new friends, that I'll be overwhelmed.

I feel so lost in my life right now. If you asked me what I wanted out of life a couple years ago, I could have easily told you where I wanted to go to college, grad school, what my majors would be, and what I wanted to do career wise and in Job's Daughters and in Demolay. But know I don't know. I feel like all my dreams have abandoned me. I still want to serve as Grand Bethel Girl to the state of California, but I feel like my chances are running out. My bethel is struggling to stay open and we haven't been pulled for a slot in quite a while.

I feel like I'm just drifting from day to day, surviving and trying to figure out where I stand. I feel like I am questioning everything in my life, wondering if I am doing the right thing? What choices should I make from here? Am I where I want to be? Where do I want to be? Thank God for my boyfriend being so understanding and always reassuring me, because we just hit three years, we have been fighting a bit recently due to how much stress we have both been under, and self conscious, anxious, able to jump to worst conclusion me, is even questioning our relationship thinking that "oh we are at the stage where most high school couples break up."

They all make it sound so easy when we are in high school. Go to college, graduate, get a job. No one ever tells you how to handle all the bumps in the road, the twists and turns, and the self doubt that gnaws at your mind. The world expects us to be so grown up and sure of ourselves, knowing what we want and how to successfully be an adult when, in many ways, we are still kids in our own rights. Figuring out the world, taking hesitant steps into adulthood, stumbling and falling. Someone should really write a manual for this insanity we call life.

Alright, well if you are still here reading this, I appreciate it. Sorry for any grammar errors, I was honestly just typing whatever came to mind. Let me know what content you guys would like me to post more of or if you have any suggestions for me. I hope you all have an amazing rest of your day/night and I wish you luck on your journey.

- Kimmie

Throwback Thursday

Back for another Throwback Thursday this week. These are two more photos I found when I was moving of my cousin Ursula a.k.a. Lani, my sister, and I.

The top photo is just at our house in L.A. and the bottom is the three of us being goofs at the Krispy Kreme's Factory in Gardena. I know the bottom photo was taken in 2004, but I am honestly not sure about the top, but I do know it was at least a year before.

My cousin is one of my biggest role models and I look to her for support and advice. She is the one who always reminds me that I need to take care of myself first and I don't always have to make everyone happy. I am happy that I now only live two hours away from her instead of 6!

Hope you enjoyed this walk down memory lane with me, have a great Thursday!
<3 Kimmie

Throwback Thursday

I realized I haven't done a throwback Thursday post in quite a while and I thought it would be fun to resume them. I found quite a few pictures when I was moving from when I was younger and here is one of them:

This picture is from May 29th, 2004 at the church I grew up at. In the back row from left to right are: my uncle Sean, my dad, uncle Marcus, and my great grandfather Growant. Next row: my cousin Annie, my sister, cousin Julia, me, and my cousin Paloma.

I'm not really sure what was going on this day but I was really happy to find this picture because unfortunately Growant passed away not too long after this and I like finding pictures of my family all together.

Have a good day everyone :)

10 Facts About Me

Hey guys, I thought it would be fun to share 10 random facts about myself. So here is what I came up with:

1. My sister got to choose my name and named me after the original Pink Power Ranger.

2. My favorite color is purple and when I was younger (I don't recall the exact age) all I would wear was purple. It didn't matter what pattern it was, what shade of purple, or if what I wore matched, just so long as it was purple.

3. I am a very picky eater.

4. My WingStop order is half teriyaki and half Hawaiian flavor.

5. I'm secretly really insecure and self conscious and always afraid that the people around me don't want me there.

6. I still have a slight fear of the dark.

7. I still sleep with a stuffed animal because I like having something to hold onto. Some people have to sleep with a pillow in between their legs, I have to sleep holding something.

8. My favorite soda's are Dr. Pepper, Vanilla Coke, and Cherry Pepsi.

9. I have a weakness for Rockstar Punched energy drinks.

10. My favorite candies are chocolate and sour candy.

Rest in Peace Uncle Morgan

Tonight at 9:20pm, my dad's best friend and my "uncle" Morgan, a.k.a. Sensei Stumpy left this world. While my heart aches from his passing I know this is for the best. For the last six weeks of his life he had been in an incredible amount of pain and now he doesn't have to suffer any more.

Morgan on the left with my dad.

He was one of the most amazing, caring, and humble people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I am so thankful to have had him in my life for as long as I did. I am thankful that I got to grow up knowing him from when I was a little girl at the Renaissance Faire to now as a 20 year old. He was a wonderful human being who taught those around him to be better. One of my favorite memories is my dad always saying that the only way he would try to take him on would be with a sniper rifle, on a roof, two blocks away. The reason he earned the nickname "Sensei Stumpy" is because for one he was short and he had a black belt in I believe four different types of marshal arts.

He even taught a "date safe" course and would put on a padded suit and let his students kick his butt. I remember him telling me to show my mom when she came to pick me up what I had learned and was proud of me. I remember laughing with him at how goofy he looked in the suit as well.

Forever the goofballs at my dad's 50th birthday. My dad, Morgan, and friend Brian.

He was full of jokes and whit up to the end. He told my dad "I'm probably the only person whose own tongue is trying to kill them." And when they were discussing if reincarnation was real, he would want to come back as a police dog to receive pets and treats and bite bad guys in the butt. He even told my dad that if he came back as a police dog the signal that it would be him is that he would run around and pee on him.

I will truly miss him, and I know we will meet again one day. Rest in Peace Uncle Morgan, until we meet again.

Getting my Wisdom Teeth Out

Hey everyone, I am incredibly out of it today, I am on pretty heavy pain meds, and apologize for any typos or if I run on a bit. Yesterday I got all four of my wisdom teeth out in one go.

My experience was good one. If you are in the Rocklin Area and need oral surgery done, I would recommend Dr. Jared Antrobus. The nurse was really nice and even gave me a blanket for the surgery because I swear I am always cold. I was put under for the surgery and it was pretty weird. I was given the meds and the last thing I remember was talking to the nurse about liking her taste in music because they had Pandora going in the back ground, her fixing the goggles they had to put on me, and I barely remember the doctor talking about Taylor Swift and then next thing I knew, I was being woken up.

This is be not long after I was woken up.

The weird thing on my head is a compression sock. So far I am doing well, the pain isn't too horrible because of the meds. The only super difficult part was the first four hours having to bite down on gauze. I had to switch to using tea bags instead, because the blood on the gauze was making me nauseous. That has been the only sucky part, is that whenever I get blood building up in my mouth I get nauseous.

At the moment my cheeks are going back and forth between being swollen up to a chipmuck and being only somewhat swollen.

My 2 hours post-op verses 8 hours.

I am currently closer to the first picture in swelling. I was told that days 2 and 3 are the peak for swelling. And I have to go into onboarding for Ulta in about half hour, so thats going to be fun.

Well, I wanted to get something posted because I am trying to do NaBloPoMo, national blog post month, where I post something every day. There will be more exciting content up once I've recovered.

Take care everyone!

Life Update

Hey everyone, so I thought it would be fun to do a bit of a life update to let you guys know what has been going on with me since I moved and since this year has been very crazy with lots of changes, struggles, losses and just crazy stuff going on.

So I was finally able to get a job in late August that wasn't a temp job. I am working at Victoria's Secret part time and more recently I just got hired for seasonal part time at Ulta Beauty. I've been working at VS for about two months now, and I like it, but am unfortunately not getting many hours due to being in between back to school and holiday. I am learning what it is like to struggle financially as an adult. We have rent, my car payment, school, and I'm paying off my hospital bill from my car accident last year! (I know right!)

Nothing screams "you're an adult now" like having a list of bills to pay and constantly being afraid of not being able to. I am really thankful that I have a second job for holiday because I can hopefully have a little bit of spending money and not be worried about affording everything. If anyone has any advice for working two part time retail jobs, please let me know, I could really use the help.

To top everything off, I am not able to get my financial aid through school because of issues and I'm having to go through a complicated special exceptions process, and having to deal with applications to universities to transfer. Wish me luck.

Other than money school is going well so far. I have managed to get myself back on track and have a transfer plan together again and it does really give me some peace of mind knowing that at least on part of my life is somewhat stable.

Sorry for my mini negativity rant. I honestly didn't mean for this to turn into one, but I feel like things are starting to get better and turn around, and I truly hope that is so. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and work my way through all the struggles I am going through, but it is really hard, I am not going to lie. This year has definitely been one of the most difficult I have gone through.

Time to take a deep breath and just keep on truckin'. That is truly how I life my life. I am realizing not matter how hard things get, I just keep going, and just keep towards my goals and handle what is thrown my way as best I can. Like a little fishy once said, "just keep swimming."

This is my tattoo.

Hope you are all doing well. Hugs from my computer to yours,
<3 Kimmie

Dealing with Loss

These past couple weeks have been some of the hardest I have faced in a very long time. Not only did I loose one of my best friends, one of my DeMolay boys, that I had known since he was 12, was murdered. Shot to death while sitting in his car. And (since this post was sitting in my drafts for a while) I lost my dog Lemi.

While sitting here in front of my computer mulling over the traumatizing and emotional events, I keep hearing my boyfriend's advice playing through my head. When I found out about Quincy's passing he hugged me tight and told me "don't torture yourself with the 'what if's' or the 'why didn't he's.' You'll only drive yourself crazy. Remember who he was, remember the times you spent together and the memories of the happier Quincy."

His words really impacted me and so I just wanted to come, sit down, and write. To have a bit of a heart to heart, to let you all know that if you are grieving if you are hurting, it will all be ok.

Loss is never easy. It tears at your heart and claws at your soul. Sometimes all you want to do is cry  out from the sheer pain you feel inside. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. What has been helping me through this extremely difficult time, aside from just going on autopilot which I know isn't really the best thing to do, is thinking about what my boyfriend told me.

Granted, I can't listen to the song "See You Again" I even yell at the radio and change the station any time it comes off. But overall, I have been trying to remember the fun times, the times that we were happy, the times that we spent together that shaped our friendships. I always try to take a moment to think about something funny about the,. Like the fact that Quincy, when he and my boyfriend came to visit me, kept making jokes about how Johnny bought him on the corner for $20. Or Lemi had a super sonic bark., and whenever we came home, she was so excited to see us that she would run outside and do laps in the front lawn.

That being said, one very important part about grieving, let yourself feel. You need to allow yourself to go through the stages of grief, you need to allow yourself to go through the natural emotions that are going through you. Denying yourself from being allowed to feel will only make things worse. If you need to cry, let yourself. Give yourself say, 10 minutes to be absolutely miserable and ugly crying. Then, take a deep breathe, pull yourself together, and keep going.

Another important thing, take advantages of your friends around you. Friends are there for a reason, especially when you need them. Even if you just need to be surrounded by people who are going to accept that you are going to be out of it and not fully participating, then do it.

Before I go, I wanted to say that loss is a natural part of life, but that doesn't make it suck any less. It is a process and it is perfectly fine to feel, to cry, to hate the world some times. Just know that you are not alone. You shouldn't judge yourself for feeling what you are, it is ok. I'm still working through this myself. You have people who are there for you, even it is just this girl behind the words.

I'm sorry this post is really randomly ordered and probably repetitive and just all over the place, but I hope you guys got my points. Sending big hugs from my computer to yours,

<3 Kimmie

Losing a friend I grew up with...R.I.P. Quincy

Two days ago I got news that rocked my world. One of my friends that I have known since I was in 6th grade (now 9 years) died in a tragic accident. At first no one in our middle school group knew what had happened, but one of my friends found a news article stating he was hit by a metrolink train. I still can't bring myself to read the article.

I can't describe in words how surreal it is to lose a friend so suddenly and someone who is so young. Quincy has...had, a fiance and a three month old daughter who will never know how amazing her father was. He had his whole life ahead of him and now he is just suddenly gone. That truly breaks my heart.

Quincy has been my friend since I entered middle school. He was a year older than me. All throughout middle school and even after we went to different high schools, he was really protective of me and always treated me like I was his little sister. He would call me on my birthday and sing happy birthday over the phone and it sounded hilarious because of how deep his voice was. He never worried about if he looked like a goof as long as he was having fun with our group. One year for Halloween he wore his sisters girl scout uniform just to be silly and make everyone laugh.

During middle school when I first started cutting he was one of the only people who knew, and he didn't treat me differently, but he made sure I knew he was always there for me. During my time at Concordia, on his night off from work, he and my boyfriend drove the 45 minutes to surprise me and come see me because I told them I was feeling lonely. He could always brighten up your day and would go out of his way to make you smile. He even went to my schools prom just because we asked him.

I wish I could see him to tell him that he is one of the most incredible, kindest, and most caring people I have ever met. He was more than my friend, he was a brother to me. I love him so much and I can't imagine this world without him in it. Quincy, I miss you so much, I hope some day to see you again some day. I hope you are up there somewhere looking down on us. Rest in peace my dear friend.