The Truth About Depression

It has taken me a really long time to write this post. I keep going back and thinking I didn't write it well enough or I was afraid to post it. This has literally been sitting in my drafts for over a year. I wanted to write a post to explain what depression is really like. It isn't something simple, it is a complex mental illness that people just brush off. I have gone back and edited, rewritten, added and taken away from this post more times than I can count. I am now forcing myself to publish it, so here we go...and I'm sorry if this is long

One of the worst parts about depression is painting on a smile and telling everyone you are ok. The pain of depression isn't one that just away or something you can just get over, like people tell you to do.

Depression is like a constant restraint, a glass wall that you can see through but, try as you might, can't break through. Day to day of seeing other people happy a little voice screams "Why can't I just be happy? What is wrong with me? Can't this pain leave me alone?"

Personally I have suffered from depression for about 8 years, which I was only officially diagnosed with  about 6 months ago, and I made a decision to start on a low-dose anti-depressant medication. (I really love this persons post and it explains a lot of how I feel).

There are times where it is just pure hell! I just want to cry and curl up in a ball or just feel plain empty. To be perfectly honest, depression is one of the hardest things to deal with and more people suffer from this that you know.  Even simple tasks can be difficult to get through because sometimes I just have no motivation to even get out of bed in the morning, or just anything. I hate that depression just likes to jump up out of nowhere and slap you in the face like, "Hey you were having a good day, guess what, I'm going to ruin it."

Depression isn't something worth joking about, it isn't something that people can just "get over." It is a serious mental illness that is a constant struggle. I honestly can't stand it when I hear people joking about depression, self harm or suicide. I want to throw up when I see people use "go cut yourself" or "go kill yourself" to bully someone. Do you not comprehend how serious those things are? Do you not comprehend that telling someone that could be the last push to send someone over the edge and ACTUALLY kill themselves? People who can say, or even type, those words disgust me. How can you possibly think it is ok to say that to someone. And I want to punch people who say that those who claim they have depression, are suicidal or have harmed themselves just do it for the attention.

This is the whole reason I used this topic for the basis of my senior project last year, because people don't seem to understand how much depression can impact a person's life. It can make a normally happy go-lucky person into a quiet wallflower who had to force themselves to even leave the house. It can make getting out of bed and facing the world seem as daunting of a task as climbing Mt. Everest.

Seriously, those people who judge and make fun of depression have no idea how much it can destroy your life. I have lost friends because of it. I have lost relationships because of it. I have had people tell me straight to my face that I had too much baggage and they didn't want to deal with me anymore.

So please, think before you criticize and if you know someone who has depression or any mental illness, don't abandon them because they are having a hard time, be there for them when they need you. You don't have to carry their baggage for them, just be there to lend a hand when it seems like they can't hold it up.

For those of you who do have depression:

What is important though is to find people who care about you and are willing to stand by your side and be strong enough to help you through it. There will be times when people will turn out to be only fare-weather friends and will drop out of your life because they are to busy dealing with personal baggage to want someone else. I can't tell you how many times I have been told to "just deal with it." And while this is a harsh truth, and something I truly hope you never encounter, it will help you find out who will really be there for you in the long run.

I did a post a while ago about things to do to cheer yourself up because this is very important when you are feeling down! But find something that makes you happy, something that makes you smile or just brings you peace. While it is important to have a support group, it is up to you to find ways to be happy. You can do it!

Get out of the house, go do something fun. Getting your mind off what makes you sad is always a good thing.

Target the reason of why you are sad and, if you can, separate yourself from that trigger.

Finally, never forget that you are stronger than your depression or your sadness. Never let it or the world break you, because when you do that is when the world wins. At the risk of being cheesy, the line from Galaxy Quest really is powerful: "Never give up, never surrender."

I found this image and I just wanted to include it because I feel that it is really powerful and when I first saw it is hit something deep inside me. It reminded me that you are not an instrument of your depression and it does not control you.

Good luck and never forget that you are loved. For those out there with depression, if ever you feel like you can't talk to anyone in your family or group of friends, send me a message. I will always be here to listen and support for anyone who needs it. <3 Kimmie

What Was on my Heart...

This post is just something that I had on my heart and I just sat down to write and this is what came out.

Everyone deserves to know that they are a good person. Everyone deserves to have someone who cares about them enough to remind them that they do matter.

But unfortunately we all get busy and sometimes we forget. One of the hardest things to do for some is to remember that you matter, to remember that it is ok to love yourself, and it is ok to think you are beautiful. Everyone deserves to love themselves, because in the end it is up to you. It only matters if you believe that you love yourself.

I personally struggle with this. I often find myself looking in the mirror and disliking and criticizing what I see. For the longest time I have had the worst self confidence in myself, always looking at my stretch marks and saying that I am fat. Always looking at my thighs and how jiggly they are and feeling the burn of resentment. Just in general, hating what I see about myself.

But it shouldn't be that way. Yes, shouldn't and are are two very different thing, but my goal is to force myself, everyday, to find something about myself that I like rather than something I hate.

So whether or not you have someone to tell you, I want you to know that I think you are an amazing person who truly does matter. You are a smart and beautiful person and I hope all your dreams come true.

A Letter to My 16 Year Old Self

Dear Kimmie (16 year old self),

It has taken me a while to write this because I wanted to provide sage wisdom while being poetic and insightful. But I realised I don't need that. I just need to tell you what I have learned.

At sixteen you think that reading, writing, tumblr and other miscellaneous things are the most important things in the world. They aren't. As important as all that stuff seems right now it is almost worthless in the long run. What is truly important is to find the people who are going to stick by you. Get better at interacting with them, build your friendships and don't be afraid to let them in. Build relationships that will last who people that matter.

At sixteen you are old beyond your years, you spend your days often depressed, worrying about money, the house, and if everything will be ok. Worrying about college, a job and where your life will go and if your life is actually worth anything. Often times the world feels like it is ending. I remember the pain, the sadness, the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. Remember feeling like moving from day to day was pointless because I was just empty. Even though you are young regrets and idiodic mistakes haunt you. Take those mistakes in stride, acccept that you can't change them but you can learn and grow from them. Remember that your life is worth something, whether or not it feels like it. Never forget that you matter!

I know things are really difficult right now. You are struggling with problems at home, with bullying, with depression, with lack of friends.

But I wanted to let you know that it will all be ok. There will be a lot of struggles and hard times, friends will come and go and people are going to be cruel. But you are strong and will get through it all. I promise. Just have faith in yourself. Have faith that the situations you are going through will prove to make you a stronger person. Overcoming the challenges that you face will make you the person you are to become. The scars of the past will help to build your drive and resolve.

Always remember that you don't have to change yourself for anyone! And you don't have to act a certain way just because you think that is what will make people like you. Never be afraid to be who you truly are, screw everyone else.

Also, never let anyone get to you who tries to tear you down. Use it as fuel, motivation, drive. Work your ass off to make a life worth living because you deserve to be proud of the life you live, not resent it. You are a dedicated and motivated worker and you know that life will be better, you just have to work to make it that way.

If I could go back to be you there are so many changes I would make to change the regrets that I hold now. I regret not getting closer to my friends and making my time with them count, regret never letting people in and always being left behind, I regret being so desperate for love and attention I let myself be manipulated, controlled and used. But the brightside is that you will live through the next 3 years even though it doesn't feel like it right now, your relationship with dad will get better and you will become stronger.

If you take away anything from this letter, remember and know that that you can survive. You are stronger than you think and you are an amazing and kind person despite what that nagging voice in your head tells you.

Love from,

Kim (18, almost 19, years young.)

(For all those reading is part two to the post I did on Wednesday. Click here to read.)

Scars on my Skin

Scars on my skin,

That I made with nails or a pin .

I did nothing wrong

They helped me stay strong,

My way to deal,

With the pain I would feel.

They say that it’s bad

But please don’t stay mad

I did it to help me

Why can’t you see?

These scars saved my life,

When it was filled with strife.

Please all my family,

If you could forgive me kindly,

I swear I’m not crazy,

It all just gets hazy,

When my eyes fill with tears,

And cries fill my ears,

These scars brought me back,

Before I could crack,

But who are you to judge me?

These scars helped save me.

So what, maybe I’m crazy,

Because it’s still a bit hazy.

But that’s not for you to judge

Because these scars still have their touch

Source

Note from Kimmie: as I have mentioned in the past I have a history of depression and self harm and I wrote this poem about my history with it. For the record I haven't cut since, I don't remember the exact time frame, but I haven't cut in 2014. So I am pretty proud of myself.

That Girl I Was When I Was Sixteen

I decided to do this post because when I read it I instantly knew what I wanted to talk about and what had been on my heart, so here is my response to today's Daily Post prompt.

"Tell us all about the person you were when you were sixteen. If you haven’t yet hit sixteen, tell us about the person you want to be at sixteen."

At age sixteen I had just finished my sophomore year in high school. I had awesome friends but I was nervous because the two halves of my high school were splitting onto separate campuses. I was afraid that I would loose touch, or worse, that I would get left behind...

On the personal front I was struggling with suicidal tendencies and depression. I had almost no self confidence and hated myself...

I behaved stupidly, allowing myself to act like trash because I thought it would make others like me more, but all it did was portray me in an unflattering light. I allowed myself to be peer pressured and do things that I knew I shouldn't have but never spoke up for fear of being rejected. So many rumors were being spread about me that I hated myself even more.

For my own personal privacy I am not going to reveal any specific details but basically I was a stupid teenager who thought acting that way would get me the kind of attention I wanted, to be liked, cared about, to even be loved. (I did talk about this a bit in another post here).

I had to learn the hard way that that was the wrong path and I didn't have to change myself or behave some way that I wasn't comfortable with or that wasn't me just to be liked. In some ways I am still learning this...

All I can say is that when I was 16 I didn't get a car with a big red bow on it, I wasn't rolling down the highway in a snazzy convertible, I was learning my lessons the harsh way, learning to be myself and change.

I know this post got deep but this was just what was in my heart and in a way this helped me come to terms and accept that I can't change what I did, but I can learn from it.

Thanks for listening, <3 Kimmie

My First Ever "In Response Post"

In the post Cassey shares two girls stories who were able to bounce back from eating disorders and how fitness and being healthy changed their lives.

So I wanted to do a response post because of how much of an impact this post had. Blogilates "Gaining Weight. The Reverse Transformation from ED to Healthy" is a really inspiring post because it shows that fitness is not all about slimming down to a size zero.

Gaining Weight. The Reverse Transformation from ED to Healthy

Read more at http://www.blogilates.com/blog/2014/03/15/gaining-weight-the-reverse-transformation-from-ed-to-healthy/#qWYQHrYXehrCEbHL.99

Read more at http://www.blogilates.com/blog/2014/03/15/gaining-weight-the-reverse-transformation-from-ed-to-healthy/#qWYQHrYXehrCEbHL.99

Gaining Weight. The Reverse Transformation from ED to Healthy

Read more at http://www.blogilates.com/blog/2014/03/15/gaining-weight-the-reverse-transformation-from-ed-to-healthy/#qWYQHrYXehrCEbHL.99

Read more at http://www.blogilates.com/blog/2014/03/15/gaining-weight-the-reverse-transformation-from-ed-to-healthy/#qWYQHrYXehrCEbHL.99

I used to be slightly anorexic, not as intense as these girls but still, it is enough to impact my life. Eating disorders are a form of a mental illness and most people don't realize that. Almost 50% of people with eating disorders meet the criteria for depression and eating disorders have the highest mortality rate out of any mental illness. This is not something that should be joked about and don't make fun of someone who is dealing with this or may have in the past. Instead you should be encouraging them and motivating them.

I wanted to "reblog" this and share it with the world to remind everyone out there that there is no "one perfect size." We are all individual and unique and we should focus on making ourselves happy and healthy not kill ourselves trying to look like the photoshopped twig girl on the front of a magazine.

One magazine I read is called Fiterazzi. It was started by Cassey (blogilates) sister. It encourages girls to be healthy and fit. I love it because you don't feel like you want to shoot something with the constant "loose 10 pounds in a month" statements that constantly grace magazine covers.

So please, take a few minutes to read Cassey's post and listen to these girls stories.

If no one else has told you today, or even if they have, always remember that you are beautiful, smart and you shouldn't have to live up to any one's expectations but your own. Live your life to make yourself happy because in the end it is your life, no one else's.

Big computer hugs from my screen to yours,

<3 Kimmie

What is self-confidence?

What is self-confidence?

Honestly, for me it is one of the hardest things to attain.  I am always afraid just relaxing.  Always afraid of what people think.  I see my best friend Rosa and I’m honestly jealous of how tough and confident she is.  She knows who she is and she is comfortable with that. I don’t understand how to be like Rosa, how to have that strength and presence. 

God I wish I could be like her…

Most of the time, I hate who I am.  I hate the girl I see in the mirror and more often than not, I’m not quite sure who is looking back at me. 

I know that I let people believe that I am all happy and bubbly, but inside I know that there is just this scared girl who doesn’t have a spine and wants to curl up in a ball…wallflower, shy, afraid…

I so badly want to have that confidence, to be able to stand up for myself, to stand tall and know who I am and know that no one can take that away. Oh how I wish…

Defeat and Motivation

One of the hardest things to do is pick yourself up and keep going when all the odds are against you and at every turn something goes wrong.

That's how I feel when tackling the challenge of cleaning and repairing my house. I feel like every time my boyfriend or I make a dent wither someone else in the house dirtied what we just accomplished, or we find something else that needs repairing...

It really dampens your spirit of motivation and drive.

Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry every time we find something new that kicks my goal in its butt and makes it harder.

But, I do know that you have to take every setback with renewed motivation and realize that you can't let ever little issue tear you down.

And that is what I'm trying to do. So for everyone out there dealing with a similar challenge of motivation I hope this is a little confidence booster.

Always remember that you can do it! You are strong and powerful and just remember that if nothing else, I believe in you!