Thursday, January 7, 2016

What's on my Mind - Free Write

Its 12:08 in the morning and I was sitting here thinking about what to write. I have a list of things I want to create posts on that pertain to my "blogging niche" college, life, makeup. But for some reason I couldn't think of anything, I was simply staring at a blank page. So I decided just to tell you what was on my mind, to just type and see what comes out.

Life scares me.  I am not at all good with change, and as I am coming up on what should be my last semester in community college, I am forced to face the inevitable changes that will take place in my life once more. I have placed my application for only one college, the one CSU closest to me, a risky move I know. But now that I have moved so far away from home, living in a new city and forced to start all over, I really don't want to relocate again. I'm scared that I won't be able to make new friends, that I'll be overwhelmed.

I feel so lost in my life right now. If you asked me what I wanted out of life a couple years ago, I could have easily told you where I wanted to go to college, grad school, what my majors would be, and what I wanted to do career wise and in Job's Daughters and in Demolay. But know I don't know. I feel like all my dreams have abandoned me. I still want to serve as Grand Bethel Girl to the state of California, but I feel like my chances are running out. My bethel is struggling to stay open and we haven't been pulled for a slot in quite a while.

I feel like I'm just drifting from day to day, surviving and trying to figure out where I stand. I feel like I am questioning everything in my life, wondering if I am doing the right thing? What choices should I make from here? Am I where I want to be? Where do I want to be? Thank God for my boyfriend being so understanding and always reassuring me, because we just hit three years, we have been fighting a bit recently due to how much stress we have both been under, and self conscious, anxious, able to jump to worst conclusion me, is even questioning our relationship thinking that "oh we are at the stage where most high school couples break up."

They all make it sound so easy when we are in high school. Go to college, graduate, get a job. No one ever tells you how to handle all the bumps in the road, the twists and turns, and the self doubt that gnaws at your mind. The world expects us to be so grown up and sure of ourselves, knowing what we want and how to successfully be an adult when, in many ways, we are still kids in our own rights. Figuring out the world, taking hesitant steps into adulthood, stumbling and falling. Someone should really write a manual for this insanity we call life.

Alright, well if you are still here reading this, I appreciate it. Sorry for any grammar errors, I was honestly just typing whatever came to mind. Let me know what content you guys would like me to post more of or if you have any suggestions for me. I hope you all have an amazing rest of your day/night and I wish you luck on your journey.

- Kimmie