These past couple weeks have been some of the hardest I have faced in a very long time. Not only did I loose one of my best friends, one of my DeMolay boys, that I had known since he was 12, was murdered. Shot to death while sitting in his car. And (since this post was sitting in my drafts for a while) I lost my dog Lemi.
While sitting here in front of my computer mulling over the traumatizing and emotional events, I keep hearing my boyfriend's advice playing through my head. When I found out about Quincy's passing he hugged me tight and told me "don't torture yourself with the 'what if's' or the 'why didn't he's.' You'll only drive yourself crazy. Remember who he was, remember the times you spent together and the memories of the happier Quincy."
His words really impacted me and so I just wanted to come, sit down, and write. To have a bit of a heart to heart, to let you all know that if you are grieving if you are hurting, it will all be ok.
Loss is never easy. It tears at your heart and claws at your soul. Sometimes all you want to do is cry out from the sheer pain you feel inside. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. What has been helping me through this extremely difficult time, aside from just going on autopilot which I know isn't really the best thing to do, is thinking about what my boyfriend told me.
Granted, I can't listen to the song "See You Again" I even yell at the radio and change the station any time it comes off. But overall, I have been trying to remember the fun times, the times that we were happy, the times that we spent together that shaped our friendships. I always try to take a moment to think about something funny about the,. Like the fact that Quincy, when he and my boyfriend came to visit me, kept making jokes about how Johnny bought him on the corner for $20. Or Lemi had a super sonic bark., and whenever we came home, she was so excited to see us that she would run outside and do laps in the front lawn.
That being said, one very important part about grieving, let yourself feel. You need to allow yourself to go through the stages of grief, you need to allow yourself to go through the natural emotions that are going through you. Denying yourself from being allowed to feel will only make things worse. If you need to cry, let yourself. Give yourself say, 10 minutes to be absolutely miserable and ugly crying. Then, take a deep breathe, pull yourself together, and keep going.
Another important thing, take advantages of your friends around you. Friends are there for a reason, especially when you need them. Even if you just need to be surrounded by people who are going to accept that you are going to be out of it and not fully participating, then do it.
Before I go, I wanted to say that loss is a natural part of life, but that doesn't make it suck any less. It is a process and it is perfectly fine to feel, to cry, to hate the world some times. Just know that you are not alone. You shouldn't judge yourself for feeling what you are, it is ok. I'm still working through this myself. You have people who are there for you, even it is just this girl behind the words.
I'm sorry this post is really randomly ordered and probably repetitive and just all over the place, but I hope you guys got my points. Sending big hugs from my computer to yours,